Thursday 31 January 2013

Breaking News

There is a kebab shop opening up on Filton Avenue. Details are sketchy at the moment, it appears to also be heavily promoting the availability of pizza. It is located in a former greasy spoon cafe opposite the former site of the Fellowship pub. Times are a-changing. This is just up the road from what looks like a pretty ropey Chinese fish and chip shop. I wouldn't touch the fish in there with yours, but I could grab a parcel of chips while swinging back with a tester from this new kebab outlet. Watch this space. Although considering my last post was getting on for a year ago, perhaps not.

This reminds me of the only time I have ever visited the New City Fish Bar on Filton Avenue, the chinese chippy mentioned above. It was in my student days so over ten years ago now. We were coming back from the pub and nipped in to buy chips (this may have even been in the dark pre-kebab discovery days). My housemate called and asked if I could pick her up a burger, no problem at all, and my friend decided to get some spare ribs, seeing as it was a Chinese takeaway also. The order was all placed and prepared, they took our money and gave us change, then the server came out from the back room with the takeaway bag including the box of spare ribs and three bright red fingers! He wiped them casually on his apron and wished us a safe trip home. We just had to accept it, I am not sure what you can say in that situation. "Give us our money back, I am suspicious of your hand washing regimen". The food was passable, we arrived home to find the "burger" was in fact just a deep fried hamburger patty however. Like a battered sausage, but a burger. It was also fairly hard, probably due to the time it had spent keeping warm. Not a great deal of turnover with battered hamburgers I suspect. My housemate was not amused at all, she even tried putting it between two slices of white bread with ketchup and mayonnaise. After a bite she looked at us with a cold glare and threw it in the bin. Hence I haven't been back.

Return of the Arches + Wraps

Several years back now I swore I would never eat another Arches kebab. I was dealt with at some ungodly hour so shoddily, the kebab was of such poor standard and the staff's impeccable standards had slipped so low I felt I just had to move on. It was time. On a recent Sunday however we were at a quandary. We like "proper" chippy chips with our kebabs / fish / pies and many kebab shops just do crap American fries. Not only are they thin and greasy but they tend to make the order take longer as each batch is done fresh, and you get bugger all compared to a proper chippy. Normally we just nip to a chip shop and pick some up, they tend to cluster near kebab shops which facilitates this. As we simply couldn't be arsed going out however, we had to order delivery. This reduced the options somewhat and the Arches was the only place that did the elusive combination of kebabs and chippy chips. So it was to be. We had no choice.

This was ordered online through Just Eat which has the brilliant positive of not having to talk to a human being during the entire process. I ordered a doner wrap, all the salad, garlic sauce. Chippy chips and my other half's non-kebab food was also tacked on. There was a hushed silence as we nervously waited for the order to be confirmed at their end (I believe they have a little machine and printer on the counter and someone jabs at it to agree), then we were informed of the 45 minute wait. Seems bad, but they have to make it and bring it up the road to us, it would take the same time for me to drive there, fanny about, and return with the goods. In reality it only took 30 minutes to hear an unsteady rap at the door. As I opened the door a bag was thust into my hand and the driver disappeared into the night with barely a grunt. Obviously wasn't expecting a tip, not that I would have obliged. I carefully unpacked the doner wrap, it had the weight and feel of a bag of flour. A token smattering of chips, a blob of chilli sauce and my dinner was complete. I tucked in. The meat was a touch underdone perhaps but was moist and flavoursome. Beats the dark brown crispy meat of my previous Arches kebab so anything was an improvement. The wrap itself had a cool, dense mouthfeel and elicited a satisfying chewiness which married nicely with the soft meat and crunchy (by this time, crunchy-ish) salad.

This leads me onto the elephant in the room here. Doner "wrap"?! I hear you cry. Where is the pitta? Well, I spotted this on the menu of Favourite Grill a while back but dismissed it. It was 10p cheaper so assumed it was smaller as all would be enclosed inside the wrap with no overflow. In my mind I was picturing a kebab version of a M&S wrap or something you create with an fajita kit at home. I had a wrap when on tour in Brighton which was unintentional, either a house speciality or drunkenness, which was a smaller beast, so I went for it one day when I was not over-hungry. However on opening, it was an absolute monster. It was a huge wrap and barely closed, chock full of meat and salad all perfectly blended and melded together. It seemed like a gargantuan task but it actually slipped down quite well. There was none of the faff of forking up the salad before folding the pitta round the meat, no disappointingly crispy pittas, no raw onion due to its distance from the meat and heat source. It also allows bites to be taken by dining companions without your dinner falling all over the show. I am converted, fully converted, to wraps when available.

Friday 9 March 2012

The Bristol Fryer

Touched on in my last post, I had to try a Bristol Fryer. This review is from over a year ago now, I have since had quite a few of these.

The kebab skewer looked a moderate size and a deep, rich brown for midweek which is a good sign, a measly pale squared-off doner is rarely an inviting sight. Due to this essentially being a fish and chip shop I was unnerved by the high counter and lack of visibility of salad. A notice boasted that "Spanish" onions, cabbage and lettuce were available. I selected a regular doner, all the salad, garlic sauce. This arrived disturbingly quickly, it was slapped into a standard pale polystyrene box with a clicky tab lid that never stays shut properly and handed over. I dared not peek until I got home.

I find for some reason I always worry that I have made an unwise choice with a small doner. I watch them shaving the doner, praying for one more swipe, eyeing up the growing greasy pile at the bottom. When I get it home however, all my concerns drift away. Put it this way, in one small mouthful of most kebabs there is far more meat than an Italian BMT from Subway.

I arrived home, unwarapped the beast from the three sheets of paper and the box sprung open to reveal a beautiful sight. I took photographs. I tucked in, the onions had a little too much tang unfortunately, a good solution would be for them to be inserted along with the meat (or within a wrap rather than pitta?) which would allow them to mingle with the flesh to gently steam and soften. The lettuce was OK, the cabbage was a little on the red side but added good bulk.

This was a very promising start and the speedy arrival could only mean one thing: shave n save. A pot of pre-cooked meat kept warm allowing it to effortlessly glide into an awaiting pitta. I have had wonderful experiences with this technique in the past, the humid atomsphere the meat is exposed to softens it beautifully. However this time it intensified the slightly off lamby notes of the flavour and the grease factor was overwhelming as the fat rendered out of the meat. Each mouthful the oil was dripping through my fingers, my pitta slowly disintegrating before my eyes. By the time I had finished, the grease resembled thick white vaseline on my hands. I had to wash them using fairy liquid. Twice.

The Interim & The Move

I have been uninspired to write recently. I have moved house to the North Gloucester Road area which has been touched on in previous reviews - Kebab houses of note are conspicuous in their absence in these parts. Eating arrangements have caused me to fend for myself and/or eat late on Tuesdays which lends itself perfectly for Kebab hunting, especially as I pass through Stokes Croft: Bristol's cultural (and kebab) quarter. I have eaten a plethora of Ritas, and my new salad of choice is "All the salad. Yes, including the chillis". I now appreciate a crisp onion to balance the soft lamb flesh. I also nearly ate a Shalimar but defected at the last minute to the Grecian: the elephant leg was almost touching metal and the person at the counter had a face like a freshly slapped arse. I keep returning to Ritas as it is convenient and trustworthy: always a large glistening elephant leg, hand carved, keen sweaty staff. These kebab experiences have melded into each other in my mind: they became a functional snack rather than a joyous, delicious yet humbling experience that I love and crave so much.

The big move has also led to a whole new problem - bus kebabs. The thin carrier bag looks so inconspicous, you think your sandwich is cosy and sealed within its wrapping. Then the scent hits your nostrils. Not the subtle friendly meaty smells but the essence of fart, thick sliced onions, warm cheap recycled chipshop wrapping paper. On a packed bus this can be mortifying and the desire to start eating becomes difficult to bear. Luckily it is only 10 minutes.

The choices at this other end of Glos Rd are quite uninviting (hence the bus rides). Charcoal Grill has two franchises nearby but I have been massively put off by a recent negative review and reported discovery of several hairs. I believe a doner skewer is located in a Southern Fried Chicken shop, this is outrageous. I have even been driven to dining at the king of pseudo-kebabs Subway as it has the requisite dubious meat and choice of salad, all served up by a miserable cunt.

We had chips from the Bristol Fryer recently which were incredible. They were as soft as butter, a creamy savoury nugget of joy with some gentle crispy edges. It was then I spotted a side-on kebab skewer! I remember reading vague favourable reviews of the Jolly Fryer's kebabs which is related to this particular Fryer - I vowed that I would give it a try. After consulting a map i discovered that this may well be my geographially closest kebab shop. I shall make it so.

New New Grecian - June 2011

An opportunity presented itself and I had a Grecian for the first time for a while. They have a new chimney installed over their charcoal pit, it is gradually starting to look quite beautiful in there, like a proper Taverna. Rows of neatly stacked shish and kofte, a gorgeous display of salad, European lagers. I ordered a small doner kebab with minty yoghurt sauce, all the salad, no red cabbage. The skewer wasn't even heated up, it was swiftly and crudely carved in their rustic style (I was concerned there would not be enough also), and while he heated the pitta bread up we had a wonderfully awkward conversation:

How are you?
Very well, thankyou, yes
Yeah?
Yes, can't complain, you know.
Good day?
Yes, very nice, lovely weather

I willed him to stop, but he continued nodding and genuinely seemed interested, pursuing different lines of smalltalk. It then led to some deep philosophy and an insight into an intrinsic difference between southern and northern Europe from my new friend:

"I don't know why people are so obsessed with the weather in Britain, you don't need good weather to make you happy. Sometimes I like to go for long walks in the rain, I love the feeling of it splashing on my face. As long as you are happy in life, you are happy no matter what the weather is"

Luckily then my kebab was ready, so I tucked it under my arm and walked out into the blissful June sunshine, a tear at the corner of my eye.

Back

It has been a long time since I have kebab-logged on here, but rest assured I have still been squirrelling away kebabs and enjoying them on a regular basis. I had a few reviews in note form which I shall now make public for the first time.

Monday 13 September 2010

Perfectstubble News

My other half was recently in the Arches, getting the chips briefly mentioned in the previous review. She was patiently awaiting these to be prepared, she had spotted perfectstubble at his usual spot towards the rear of the counter. A fellow customer then whispered to his friend: "He draws that on with mascara each morning". It is seriously this perfect, it is like a real-life version of Homer Simpson's stubble if he was thinner, bespectacled and Turkish.