Kebabland: The Return

I have mentioned Kebabland recently, the Cardiff Chippy Lane institution which popped my kebab cherry. Well this weekend, I finally returned.

We had a fairly boozy night out and I insisted upon visiting - last time due to a number of reasons this simply didn't happen. I walked in hoping the experience to be full of happy memories and reminiscences, like finally coming home after a long absence, but they have had a refit. They used to have a Rita's style narrow counter and waiting area, now it has been expanded further back with a front facing counter. The same grey-haired main was working who served my first ever kebab - imagine the things this man has seen! Strips of thick juicy flesh were being sliced on a production-line style arrangement due to the popularity of the doner, after one rotation as soon as the outer layer was a slightly darker shade of brown it was expertly electrically shaved and stuffed into a waiting pitta. I selected lettuce, cucumber and garlic sauce. I have always held Kebabland to be the benchmark of garlic sauce, it is a thinner concoction which is ladled rather than squirted on, it is the sign of a quality kebab shop and quite a rarity these days. You can tell they care deeply about sauce when it is gently lifted from the pot and drizzled over the awaiting sandwich.

We walked to our usual Cardiff Kebab eating spot, now in the midst of a swanky development rather than the arse end of a dodgy arcade, and tucked in. Initially I was delighted: long soft ribbons of intensely lamby flesh combining with creamy garlic and a crisp salad. However halfway in it got a bit cloying, the lambiness overpowering and the garlic far too strong and gloopy. I actually started to feel a bit sick so I never made it into a sandwich - the pitta was far too soggy for a start. I left it on a bench and walked away, wiping my garlic and tear-stained hands on my jeans.

My kebab companion opted for doner meat and chips, quite a newbie mistake to make, or so I thought. His explanation was that pitta is essentially pointless, rarely is it made into a respectable sandwich (I disagree slightly with this). The doner meat juices are allowed to dribble down onto the chips and it is slightly cheaper than a full doner for roughly the same amount of meat. Next time I am in a chippy with decent chips, I shall go for it, but it would be pointless with fries. it is worth doing if the salad selection is shoddy also, and I feel a strong chilli sauce would complement this better than garlic / mint.

Anyway, I digress. The kebab I had started to really disagree with me throughout the night and next morning, I woke up with the taste of sick in my mouth at one point and pretty much every bodily function smelled or tasted like lamb. Even now I am gagging at the thought of it, I found some pictures on my phone of this meaty beast which looks fucking rank. To exacerbate matters I then had to sit down for a civilised brunch with my parents which featured a square sausage (scottish thing, look it up). This had the texture and taste of that bad Arches kebab (see reviews passim), needless to say this wasn't even touched. I had to have a little lie down after this horrendous experience, where I sat pushing bacon around a plate with my pale face and bloodshot eyes, avoiding speaking while my parents tutted at my general demeanour and appetite. I didn't dare say that my illness was due to kebab eating rather than large amounts of alcohol, somehow I felt that would come across as worse.

So overall a dissapointment. But there is something quite beautiful from a cosmic point of view about this: this was my first kebab and quite possibly will be my last, I cannot even entertain the notion of eating a small doner with garlic sauce ever again. In a way also it shows how far I have come as a kebab connoiseur, I have moved above and beyond such small fry and now crave a better quality kebab shop.