I had plans to go to Ritas, which has been tempting me with an absolutely enormous doner kebab, keen sweaty staff and for being a general oasis of kebab heaven in a stretch of pretty dodgy Stokes Croft with otherwise poor quality takeaway options (see reviews passim). The evening came to a conclusion after 3am and we got a lift back to the flat so this wasn't really an option - I went to the Arches as a last resort as Efe's was packing their elephant leg away and it was raining. I had instructions also to purchase onion rings and a burger. I have been in two minds about the Arches for some time, we pop in occasionally for chips and they have replaced the young pretender et al with a bunch of clueless newbies who couldn't give a shit about you or your food. I wish I hadn't bothered going at all.
3.30 am in any kebab shop is a depressing affair, there was a young man asleep on the table and two girls swigging from a partially crushed tin of lager were being sleazed over by one of the new uncaring staff members. I ordered my small doner, burger and onion rings. A burger was hurriedly slapped on the grill before the girls had their sleazing resumed. It was then I spied a mound of meat shaved from the doner sitting next to it - old meat due to be thrown away I assumed, it had clearly been there for some time. [You can see where this is going]. After waiting an eternity for the burger to be ready, finally the doner packing commenced. Without warning the pitta was stuffed with this crispy cold meat, then 3 huge chunks of cucumber were added along with some brown lettuce and far too much thick garlic mayo. It was then it became clear the onion rings hadn't even been put in the fryer, so I had no option but to get out of there as soon as humanly possible.
On getting home I thought it couldn't be too bad, they are professionals and kebab experts - they wouldn't let meat dry out. They did. The meat was so stiff and crispy it didn't even fit in the pitta bread, it kept springing out of its own accord. Thick globs of cloying garlic sauce saturated the kebab which after some manipulation I managed to close - shockingly there not even enough filling to warrant forking the excess up first. The meat was indeed cold, it was so well done that it actually crumbled - more like cheap corned beef than doner. I finished the kebab, but it was so utterly disappointing that I have vowed never to eat from the Arches again.
Why couldn't they do what Efes do when quiet and shave large amounts of doner to be kept warm, resulting in (if anything) a more juicy kebab? The Arches have lost their touch, shame on them. One positive, for the first time I had those green pickled chillies (probably because they ignored me when I said no). These were utterly lovely, not too hot, just a wonderful celebration of the real flavour and essence of chilli. I shall always have these from now on. But not from the Arches - RIP.
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