Perfectstubble News

My other half was recently in the Arches, getting the chips briefly mentioned in the previous review. She was patiently awaiting these to be prepared, she had spotted perfectstubble at his usual spot towards the rear of the counter. A fellow customer then whispered to his friend: "He draws that on with mascara each morning". It is seriously this perfect, it is like a real-life version of Homer Simpson's stubble if he was thinner, bespectacled and Turkish.

Shalimar!

Finally a break in my regular eating schedule allowed a (quite sober) Shalimar for my tea. It is a slightly further walk than my regular haunts but nothing too taxing. As it advertises itself still as an Indian Takeaway also, I suspected kebab-in-naan was a possibility: a reconnaisance glimpse recently confirmed this theory. I strode confidently in and ordered my first ever kebab featuring naan instead of pitta.

I went for a small doner in naan bread. The ordering process was interesting: presumably as they are an ex-indian they jotted down my simple order on a slip of paper, including my choice of salad. On enquiring on what salad was available, the reply was "all the salad" as he nodded towards a tray of lettuce, cucumber, tomato and onion. He then amended the order to omit onion, and I then suggested a further upgrade to a large doner. £3.99 including a free tin of soft drink was an incredibly reasonable price for such a meal, 49p more than a small so this made simple economic sense.

I was expecting a naan to be whipped out from under the counter, but an order was placed in the kitchen for a fresh one to be made. I feel this would create a nightmare in the late evening, however I was quite happy to wait for the improvement in quality of bread when in a dinner-at-home scenario. This also allowed me to peruse my surroundings. Shalimar is a sparsely decorated place, recently refitted with a side-on arrangement of kebab skewer and a handful of tables towards the rear. I doubt these would ever be used to eat in - they used to be a restuarant and presumably switched to takeaway with added elephant leg due to low levels of local interest, and to cash in on Stokes Croft's resurgence of (legal, non street corner) drinking. The elephant leg itself was fairly small and had a coarse-grained texture but lacked the juicyness of say the Grecian. The fact that it was quiet and early may have exacerbated this: the outside had almost certainly simply dried out which concerned me slightly. There was no chicken option which is unusual for a Friday night.

The naan finally arrived. This was quite a monstrosity: a dinner-plate sized slab of bread which was balanced atop an open standard issue pale yellow polystyrene box. I had seen no heating or shaving so was almost resigned to cold, dry meat in a massive hunk of bread, until out of nowhere he thrust his tongs into a stainless steel pot of pre-shaved doner meat! I do like my meat freshly sliced when the circumstances are right, but as previous reviews have shown the kept-warm approach can have wonderful results also. The pre-selected salad was sprinkled on and I had to intervene to prevent each individual sauce being added (odd they didn't ask this before to put on their little slip of paper). I opted for garlic sauce and a worryingly long splurge was added, my view obscured by the counter top, I had to intervene again to stop the sandwich from being flooded.

I hurried home, met with my other half who had made alternate arrangements but we shared some chips - breaking my rule but I felt it made a more complete meal in this case. I emptied out the beast onto a plate, it resembled a large omelette. I tried forking up the excess out of habit, I then realised this is pointless as it is all perfectly happily contained within. I picked it up and tucked in.

It was a celebration of coarse textured yet juicy meat with an edge of spice and heat which was a nice Indian-inspired touch. The garlic sauce was of the runny mild type, sidestepping the sickly strong tang and cloying nature of many establishments' sauces. This combined with the meat and salad to make a very satisfying filling. I ate the lot. Recommended.

Breaking News: New Kebab Shop

Details are sketchy at the moment but not too far from Ritas, near the Pipe and Slippers and next to Rice & Ting on Stokes Croft is a new Kebab shop. It is called Shalimar Kebab and Indian Takeaway - it has a neon sign in the window which reads "KEBAB" which presumably can be illuminated when these are available.

I have a feeling this used to be a standard Balti house, but probably lost out to Indian Fast Food (see reviews passim) and Asian Spicy up the road. Now they have removed the seats and created a standard counter-style arrangement. They are still selling Indian food so I can only hope and pray the option of doner + naan exists.

After a delicious Rita's earlier in the week, things are looking up for Stokes Croft - could this be the new centre of Bristolian Doner Kebab Culture (BDKC)? Look out Gloucester Road, that's all that I can say.

I passed it again yesterday, I saw one of the servers happily striding outside to a waiting white van man parked on the pavement. He handed him a parcel which clearly contained a kebab of some sort as there were spots of grease starting to seep through the paper. Looks like incredible service - a review will follow as soon as humanly possible.

Kebabland: The Return

I have mentioned Kebabland recently, the Cardiff Chippy Lane institution which popped my kebab cherry. Well this weekend, I finally returned.

We had a fairly boozy night out and I insisted upon visiting - last time due to a number of reasons this simply didn't happen. I walked in hoping the experience to be full of happy memories and reminiscences, like finally coming home after a long absence, but they have had a refit. They used to have a Rita's style narrow counter and waiting area, now it has been expanded further back with a front facing counter. The same grey-haired main was working who served my first ever kebab - imagine the things this man has seen! Strips of thick juicy flesh were being sliced on a production-line style arrangement due to the popularity of the doner, after one rotation as soon as the outer layer was a slightly darker shade of brown it was expertly electrically shaved and stuffed into a waiting pitta. I selected lettuce, cucumber and garlic sauce. I have always held Kebabland to be the benchmark of garlic sauce, it is a thinner concoction which is ladled rather than squirted on, it is the sign of a quality kebab shop and quite a rarity these days. You can tell they care deeply about sauce when it is gently lifted from the pot and drizzled over the awaiting sandwich.

We walked to our usual Cardiff Kebab eating spot, now in the midst of a swanky development rather than the arse end of a dodgy arcade, and tucked in. Initially I was delighted: long soft ribbons of intensely lamby flesh combining with creamy garlic and a crisp salad. However halfway in it got a bit cloying, the lambiness overpowering and the garlic far too strong and gloopy. I actually started to feel a bit sick so I never made it into a sandwich - the pitta was far too soggy for a start. I left it on a bench and walked away, wiping my garlic and tear-stained hands on my jeans.

My kebab companion opted for doner meat and chips, quite a newbie mistake to make, or so I thought. His explanation was that pitta is essentially pointless, rarely is it made into a respectable sandwich (I disagree slightly with this). The doner meat juices are allowed to dribble down onto the chips and it is slightly cheaper than a full doner for roughly the same amount of meat. Next time I am in a chippy with decent chips, I shall go for it, but it would be pointless with fries. it is worth doing if the salad selection is shoddy also, and I feel a strong chilli sauce would complement this better than garlic / mint.

Anyway, I digress. The kebab I had started to really disagree with me throughout the night and next morning, I woke up with the taste of sick in my mouth at one point and pretty much every bodily function smelled or tasted like lamb. Even now I am gagging at the thought of it, I found some pictures on my phone of this meaty beast which looks fucking rank. To exacerbate matters I then had to sit down for a civilised brunch with my parents which featured a square sausage (scottish thing, look it up). This had the texture and taste of that bad Arches kebab (see reviews passim), needless to say this wasn't even touched. I had to have a little lie down after this horrendous experience, where I sat pushing bacon around a plate with my pale face and bloodshot eyes, avoiding speaking while my parents tutted at my general demeanour and appetite. I didn't dare say that my illness was due to kebab eating rather than large amounts of alcohol, somehow I felt that would come across as worse.

So overall a dissapointment. But there is something quite beautiful from a cosmic point of view about this: this was my first kebab and quite possibly will be my last, I cannot even entertain the notion of eating a small doner with garlic sauce ever again. In a way also it shows how far I have come as a kebab connoiseur, I have moved above and beyond such small fry and now crave a better quality kebab shop.

The Wishlist

I have been a kebab fan for some time (a few years of vegetarianism notwithstanding), but I have actually eaten a kebab from a reasonably small number of establishments. This is due partly to loyalty, once I find a place I remain loyal, but also location - more far-flung kebabhouses (more than 500 yards from home or not in the town centre) rarely get the nod. I have a wishlist of places, very much a work in progress, please feel free to recommend fresh kebab experiences in the comments below if you wish.


M&Ms - Whiteladies Road, Bristol

I have heard about this restaurant (I believe it has several seats) from various unrelated sources now, both kebab enthusiast and casual consumer, so it is definitely worth a visit. It is out of the range of my normal kebab shopping and not in an area we tend to consume alcohol so it has as yet been ignored. Is it charcoal or gas? Electric or hand carved? Ribbons or chopped? Dark or light meat? Kept warm or freshly sliced? Pitta or Naan? Surly or friendly? God himself only knows.


Jason's Doner Van - Various Locations

Partly because of the name, but also it is a good excuse to try a van-based kebab takeaway. These look like mobile food poisoning palaces, usually with a pale, pathetically thin elephant legs (name for a thin elephant leg? Girrafe's neck? Similar colour and mottled pattern at times) and incredibly surly staff. Outrageous prices have been seen. I have seen at least 2-3 of these vans around, which could of course all be the same van in different locations.


Kebabland - Chippy Lane, Cardiff

This is a revisit, but still on my wishlist as I haven't been for a good 5 years. After previously being more a chips fan, this was the scene of my first ever kebab: with all the salad, chilli sauce. It wasn't a revelatory moment, it wasn't mouth-wateringly excellent, but it had a certain charm that kept me coming back for more. Over the years I have been indebted to this place in introducing me to the delights and charms of the elephant leg, and after much refinement and experimentation it has shaped me into the person I am now. I used to run, quite literally, to this place after a night on the town and after a friend recommended garlic sauce rather than chilli I never looked back. A while ago I walked past Kebabland and saw the same familiar faces still stripping the doner; slightly more world-weary, more grey-haired, but still with a cheeky glint in their eyes.

It is located in my home town of Cardiff, which is some distance to travel from Bristol for just a small doner, but nights out there still occur. One day, I shall return.


Bristol Kebab House - St Pauls, Bristol

I have heard wondrous things and seen impeccable reviews of this establishment. Their portions, even of a small doner, are apparently gargantuan - to the point where lids of the pale yellow polystyrene box burst with the sheer pressure of meat. They use naan rather than pitta, which is a sign of a truly quality place. It is near a pub we frequent, but in an area which to be honest can feel rather sketchy at times, plus a good walk from our house. The problem with kebaberies too far to transport their product home is you are left with two options. You eat it on a park bench nearby - OK on a nice evening, in a nice area or in town; or you can take it home and allow it to go cold (I do not get on well with walking and eating a kebab, rarely a happy experience). Neither I find are that acceptable and microwaving a kebab is simply outrageous.

There are problems with all the above: access, distance, risk of disease. One day all the planets will align, everything will fall into place and hopefully I shall experience each and every one.

Decline of the Arches #2

I walked past the Arches recently, whistling as I did so with a fresh Grecian in my hand, and I peered in to check on proceedings. Perfectstubble was toiling in the rear of the counter as usual, fastidiously cleaning the floor and lending a hand with pizza preparations. The new young lead server was there again at helm, he literally doesn't look like he gives a flying shit about anything, least of all preparing an elephant leg for a night's consumption. The kebab leg behind him was fresh out of the factory by the looks of it and pale and uncooked to the point of appearing as a light grey colour (oddly, the actual colour of an elephant's leg). The most alarming thing about this was sitting atop the kebab was a coil of meat which looked like a freshly laid turd. I always assumed the kebab factories stripped and chopped cutlets and choice cuts of lamb, carefully shaping it around a skewer and lovingly packing it up for delivery. This made me wonder: do they simply blend poor quality meats of dubious origin into a paste and squeeze it into a mould?

I need to think of a name for the new young pretender, answers on a postcard.

My Favoured Kebab

I have finally found it: after years of fruitless searching, misguided experimentation (mint sauce from Efes, no salad but cucumber, chicken doner etc etc), I have consumed the perfect kebab. I was enlightened to this particular combination by a pair of fellow kebab connoiseurs (eternally grateful, thanks Ant and Matt): chicken shish / lamb doner mix from the Grecian. Initally I looked upon this with suspicion, chicken has no place in kebabs - or so I thought.

I have eaten a lamb shish / lamb doner mix before and after initial enthusiasm, in hindsight I found I was a touch dissapointed. The price was OK - £4.90 - but I found the chunks of lamb more chewy and tastless than tender and juicy. Chicken doner just didn't cut it, it seemed to taste like curry and I longed for the soft, delicate touch of lamb. With this novel combo however the chicken is a moist celebration of poultry with a distinct barbeque edge from the charcoal grill; the lamb doner acts as a general lubricant and padding to fill the kebab out to its polystyrene-bursting best, whilst also tasting utterly divine of course.

I opt now for mint and yoghurt as sauce - as mentioned earlier I have tried mint sauce in lesser establishments and found it to taste like trebor mints dissolved in vinegar - however here it is a joyous homemade style dressing which lacks the strong, cloying texture of garlic mayo. I have all the salad aside from red onion, this tends to dominate, and they dress the salad with lemon juice to add a crisp, acidic note to the overall meal. I have been tending to avoid red cabbage also, I feel white cabbage is enough cabbage, plus bizzarely it is staining our plates at home with purple blotches. Thanks to the Arches (RIP), I have also discovered the pickled chillies, I assumed these would either taste strongly of vinegar, chilli or both; however it is actually a very mild, juicy treat which rounds off the salad perfectly.

This is all wrapped up in a warm parcel and I hurry home, clutching my precious cargo, for consumption at home in rapturous delight at the united, symbiotic partnership of lamb and chicken. Recommended.

Moving North – Do they even have kebabs up there?

Another fantastic guest review from Billy, our new North Gloucester Road correspondent. This is a kebabhouse which I have considered to be high on my wishlist of places to eat: The Charcoal Grill. The name is right, the reputation is there - but I have never set foot inside. Enjoy.



I crossed the border recently, stepped over that invisible line dividing north and south to settle in a new place at the top of Ashley Down. All those who are familiar with the G Road will know instantly where this division is drawn – at the crossroads by the Texaco garage, where Sommerville and Berkeley bisect Gloucester. Before this point the setting is very boho – shops predominantly sell pre-worn (or vintage) clothing; foodstuffs are sold by weight, not brand-name; and you can have an organic hair-cut. Stride on however and this scene is repainted step-by-step. Colours are gradually washed to grey as you enter the more functionalist district; and suddenly you realise that every other shop sells hardware supplies. Upon reaching this point you are on north Gloucester Road, and whatever it might lack in counter-culture it more-than makes up for in rough charm. I like this end of the street – sleazy Venus, a very acceptable 1:1 good/bad pub ratio, and a Somerfield on a scale that puts the south to shame. The question which I know is on everyone’s lips however, and that I am now in a position to explore, is: ‘great, but what about the doner?’

First the good news, there is indeed doner up here, and plenty of it. From the Charcoal Grill through Southern Fried Chicken to La Cuisine, choice is not an issue. The bad news, however, is that I have yet to find a serious rival to those heady experiences of the south, and my previous reviews. I must stress that I am a relative newbie in these parts, and so the law of averages dictates that I could have just been down on my luck once or twice. Heavens, we all know how the experience of doner is far from stable – certainty in a purchase is never full, and unconditional love of a favourite outlet is no sure guarantee of satisfaction. Therefore there is always the chance that a bad doner is merely a ‘dud’.

Nevertheless I can only report on taste and experience. The Charcoal Grill was my first foray into the wild. Situated about three paces from the Golden Lion pub you would’ve thought that the odds were in their favour – you have to go to a lot of trouble to disappoint a kebab customer that has spent their evening warming up for their meal in that place. They did it though, somehow they did it. It was all wrong from the start – small details didn’t feel right. To be fair the foot actually looked quite impressive, it was fresh and brand-new, and I assumed that it would be turned on upon my arrival – I have no problem putting some extra time into waiting if I’m to get the first carve of the foot – but this did not happen. I smiled and said ‘hello’, but received a sneer in reply. After taking a couple of seconds to scan the menu I ordered the large doner and sat to flip through a copy of a local trade magazine. After far too short-a time one of the guys grunted. I stood warily to see what he wanted, to be confronted with the meat of my meal. There were no strips, no ribbons, no loops, and no curls – just bits, quarter-inch thick bits. “You want sauce?” “Yes please… and salad” Yes, I had been made to ask for salad, I dread to think what would have happened if I hadn’t requested it. Another grunt, a splutter from the sauce bottle, and the tepid package was slapped on the counter. I slouched out uninspired, no bounce in my gait. I wasn’t looking forward to getting home and dragged my feet stroppily, aiming lazy kicks at stray pieces of litter and cats. I got hold of myself closer to my gate, and thought that things could be OK: it could be the tastiest doner ever – perhaps the lack of rapport and the questionable preparation were all part of an authentic northern experience. I’ve been wrong about doner before, and damn I hoped I was wrong this time.

Sometimes I hate to be right. Having sat down and unwrapped, I lifted my fork and set in. The downward spiral really gathered speed when I found the first hair, sitting atop an initial forkful. I don’t know what hair it was, I don’t really care. It wasn’t head hair, it had the wrong texture; and I am relatively certain it wasn’t an unmentionable, lacking the requisite curl – I settled for arm hair, for want of a better explanation and partly to calm my stomach. (By now of course you’ll have noticed that I said the first hair – normally the first hair you find in food is the only hair you find in food, for obvious reasons. In this case though I was very hungry, and writing a review that ends abruptly at the first sign of hair says little about a reviewer’s mettle – especially a reviewer of kebabs’.) Ploughing on I broke through the mantle of dry lamb and hit a vein of watery lettuce and mayonnaise. I don’t want to dress it down too badly, it wasn’t an exceptionally bad arrangement, although the flavours did not blend together as they seem to in a more accomplished offering. There was no spicing such as that of the Grecian, which was highlighted in Nick’s last review. It’s all about the blend in doner – taking great ingredients that aren’t necessarily destined to be together and weaving them into a whole is all in the art of the ‘kebbabier’. Take that skill away and you’re merely left with mayonnaise spread on a chunk of lamb. Nobody eats lamb with mayonnaise; not in any other context, and with good reason.

The second hair was in this layer, nestled comfortably in the spongy mayo, I feel lucky that it was on the surface when I went to shovel up the next load. By now my patience was wearing thin, I set the hair on the pile that was now forming, took a deep breath, and went deeper. I managed quite a few more forkfuls; however the salad was sparse and uniform. Lettuce. Tomato. Cucumber. The pitta fully contained the meal, and was probably the most appetising aspect of the doner, however I had no urge to gather it up together and get stuck into the final stage – the sprint finish with the hands that normally brings the meal to its close. There wasn’t a good balance of filling, and soon I found myself left with a dry pile of chunked doner meat. I considered adding my own mayo – it’s been done before with acceptable results – but I didn’t have any inclination to get up. As I cast my eyes around for a moist looking piece they came to rest on the final hair, by now mashed into the pita under the weight of the filling.

I didn’t bother to remove it this time. I laid my fork to one side and did the unthinkable – walking slowly to the bin I paused only momentarily to consider what I was about to do, and then threw away an un-finished kebab on the same night that I bought it, the shame biting deep. I don’t really remember what happened after; I think I just went to bed – the tears dampening my pillow as I drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.



Many thanks Bill, I shall heed your warning and not purchase a kebab from the Charcoal Grill unless I am really, really hungry. Also, I can only hope and pray that M&Ms on Whiteladies Road isn't a crock of shite also, this is another on my hitlist of mysterious kebab shops of excellent reputation but are slightly too far away to go to when drunk.

The Worst Kebab I Have Ever Eaten

I had plans to go to Ritas, which has been tempting me with an absolutely enormous doner kebab, keen sweaty staff and for being a general oasis of kebab heaven in a stretch of pretty dodgy Stokes Croft with otherwise poor quality takeaway options (see reviews passim). The evening came to a conclusion after 3am and we got a lift back to the flat so this wasn't really an option - I went to the Arches as a last resort as Efe's was packing their elephant leg away and it was raining. I had instructions also to purchase onion rings and a burger. I have been in two minds about the Arches for some time, we pop in occasionally for chips and they have replaced the young pretender et al with a bunch of clueless newbies who couldn't give a shit about you or your food. I wish I hadn't bothered going at all.

3.30 am in any kebab shop is a depressing affair, there was a young man asleep on the table and two girls swigging from a partially crushed tin of lager were being sleazed over by one of the new uncaring staff members. I ordered my small doner, burger and onion rings. A burger was hurriedly slapped on the grill before the girls had their sleazing resumed. It was then I spied a mound of meat shaved from the doner sitting next to it - old meat due to be thrown away I assumed, it had clearly been there for some time. [You can see where this is going]. After waiting an eternity for the burger to be ready, finally the doner packing commenced. Without warning the pitta was stuffed with this crispy cold meat, then 3 huge chunks of cucumber were added along with some brown lettuce and far too much thick garlic mayo. It was then it became clear the onion rings hadn't even been put in the fryer, so I had no option but to get out of there as soon as humanly possible.

On getting home I thought it couldn't be too bad, they are professionals and kebab experts - they wouldn't let meat dry out. They did. The meat was so stiff and crispy it didn't even fit in the pitta bread, it kept springing out of its own accord. Thick globs of cloying garlic sauce saturated the kebab which after some manipulation I managed to close - shockingly there not even enough filling to warrant forking the excess up first. The meat was indeed cold, it was so well done that it actually crumbled - more like cheap corned beef than doner. I finished the kebab, but it was so utterly disappointing that I have vowed never to eat from the Arches again.

Why couldn't they do what Efes do when quiet and shave large amounts of doner to be kept warm, resulting in (if anything) a more juicy kebab? The Arches have lost their touch, shame on them. One positive, for the first time I had those green pickled chillies (probably because they ignored me when I said no). These were utterly lovely, not too hot, just a wonderful celebration of the real flavour and essence of chilli. I shall always have these from now on. But not from the Arches - RIP.

Lamb Shish #1

Apologies for the absence, dear reader. I shall be adding new reviews soon - for now here are a couple to catch up with my Facebook group.


I was sober, hungry and in the mood for experimentation. I promised myself I wouldn't crack and go for a Doner. I steadied myself, took a deep breath and walked determinedly around the corner to the Grecian. The warm, summery scent of charcoal grill drifted gently across the road, mixing with the cool winter air and exhaust fumes into a heady aroma of reminiscence. I strode in and ordered a Lamb Shish kebab, unswayed by the gargantuan Friday night Elephant leg, taunting me from its vertical skewer.
The uncooked skewers were all laid out ready, looking fresh and enticing - marinaded and juicy. This was then expertly roasted over their charcoal grill until golden and oozing with flavour and a hint of subtle barbequeud crispy edge. The standard regime then ensued of packing a poorly opened pitta with the said meat and the salad/sauce selection process.

The best thing about the Grecian that really sets them apart is in fact the quality of their salad. Rather than the standard large chunks of cucumber, browning lettuce and thick-cut onions; they go for beautifully sliced cabbage, onions, carrot and tomato which are all seasoned with cumin seeds, pepper and herbs which is a wonderful touch. I went for, contrary to tradition, all the salad (apart from onion) with garlic sauce and some mint sauce on top. It was for my dinner rather than a post-pub snack, but I didn't opt for chips - more on this in an upcoming blog.

The Shish was delicious, a fantastic celebration of lamb and a charcoal grill. The only criticism with the chunks is that they were slightly bouncy. Bouncy rather than chewy I'd say; and the size of them meant that many bites were pure salad and pitta, which wasn't too concerning here due to the quality of said salad. The obvious remedy for this would be a mix shish and doner, then each bite would be full of soft lamby juicyness with the added thrill of the occasional nugget of barbequeud shish. I still think this is an option for dinner time only, the late night complexity, drunken rabble and wait time would prevent this being a pleasurable experience - and definitely an option for a good kebab house only, charcoal grill is a must. Without this method of grilling you would just have a flavourless, chunky version of a doner. It also struck me that the shish would be a perfect option for a quiet weeknight, I have been tempted by a midweek doner recently but on further investigation the skewer looked thin, pale, dry and unshaved for several hours so I opted for a different snack. All in all this is a very worthwhile experiment, which shall be repeated.